Last Monday, I spent time with my Aunt
Joan. Her white hair stood straight up like the eccentric scientist's in Back
to the Future. I knew it would be
the last day I saw her alive. She has
cancer.
|
Aunt Joan, my mom's twin |
This dear woman, who is also my godmother, sat in
her wheelchair as I pushed it toward the dining room at her Alzheimer's residence
in Florida. After parking her at a
table, I sat down so we could visit while waiting for her meal to arrive.
As we chatted, another resident walked up
and told me I was in her chair. Her
demeanor conveyed she wanted me to find another place to sit. The assistant helping that lady chuckled quietly behind her back. So, I got up and
moved Aunt Joan to another table, which evidently was her regular seating spot.
The other lady's assistant nodded, thanking
me in silence for squelching what could have been a not-so-pretty confrontation.
After awhile, my aunt's regular tablemate
joined us. She introduced herself as
Jean. I told her that was my mom's name.
Pointing to Aunt Joan, I said, "Her
twin sister."
During the 30 minutes we were sitting at
the table, Jean told me several times that her husband works for General
Electric and travels a lot. I sensed he
died some time ago. She also asked me
over and over where I worked and lived. At
one point during Jean's inquisition, my aunt gave her the evil eye.
It finally dawned on me that all the
people in the dining room repeated their same memories to whoever was seated
next to them.
Some time had passed when Aunt
Joan and I looked at each other and smiled. Her smile was the one I remember from my
youth. That look of endearment that
always let me know she loved me, unconditionally.
Finally, a server placed my aunt's dinner plate on the table in front of her.
She took one bite of her Philly cheesesteak and said, "That tastes awful!" Pushing aside the sandwich, she tried some
salad instead. After a few nibbles, she
announced she wanted to go to sleep.
"Now!" she demanded.
So, I wheeled her back to her living
space. Upon entering her room, I asked
if she wanted to change into pajamas, believing she thought it was bedtime.
Her harsh response surprised me. "I don't have to do anything except die
and pay taxes."
I laughed because I knew it was just the
dementia making her ornery.
As my aunt dozed, I relaxed in a chair
nearby and began typing this story on my smart phone.
A half an hour or so passed when she sat up unexpectedly. "You're still
here?"
I knew it was time to say my final
farewell and told her I was going back home tomorrow.
"When will I see you again?" she
asked.
Sucking in air, I said cautiously,
"You won't."
"Why? You think I'm going to die, or
you?"
"You." I felt my tears brimming.
As she lay back down, I walked toward her
and knelt beside her bed.
"I'm going to miss you." I gulped more air as the tears flowed.
Aunt Joan stroked my hair, comforting me
as I cried and leaned into her.
"It's going to be all right,"
she said. "You're going to be all
right. We'll see each other one day soon
in heaven. I'm going to see Daddy again.
He loved us so much."
In addition to knowing she'd be with her father again, my aunt spoke about Jenny, her
daughter who died in a car accident shortly after graduating from high school
in 1983.
Her words sounded peaceful, yet expectant
at being able to see my mom also. Oh,
how she missed her. When Mom died 16
years ago, I remember some words Aunt Joan said as we cried together in our
shared grief. She tried to convey her feelings about losing her identical twin.
"No one knows what it's like,"
she blubbered. "We were an egg together."
That's my very own Steel Magnolias moment of laughing and crying at the same time. For those unfamiliar with that
tearjerker scene, Sally Field's character,
M'Lynn, wants to know why her daughter died. In the midst of her wailing, she's mad and wants to hit someone. Of the four friends standing with her, only
Clairee offers a logical solution. She
grabs the arm of crotchety-old Ouiser,
pushes her toward M'Lynn, and says, "Here. Hit this. Go ahead, M'Lynn.
Slap her."
Aunt Joan named other loved ones she would
see in heaven one day. As she started
naming all my sisters, I joined in. And
then, just as suddenly as her lucidness came, she shifted her eyes to another
place, gone.
As my sobbing waned, I rose and pulled
some tissues from the Kleenex box on her nightstand to blow my nose.
"I'm leaving
now." I picked up my purse, walked
toward the door, and turned to look at her one last time. "I love you, Aunt Joan."
Back in the here and now, she lifted her
hand and waved. "I love you, Mary
Ellen."
She still calls me by my
full name. A beautiful name I tossed to the wind during a time of teenage
rebellion and embarrassment—an ugly moment between Mom and me.
I opened the door and stepped out into the
hall. The gulps started again as tears
streaked down my cheeks.
Saying goodbye never gets easier, no matter how many loved ones
have passed on. It's still hard, knowing
it's the last time you'll see someone alive who has been very dear to you.